it's been almost three months since i've been back in the US and two weeks before the end of the quarter, i've taken some time for reflection. silly or not, my facebook statuses are generally a good reflection of how i'm feeling in the moment that they're posted. and they've overwhelmingly (noticeably so?) positive. that's a good sign... right?
a few weeks ago, a deeply cherished person looked at me in marvel, noting how much stronger i am now than i was before i left. the comment was not made in passing but rather was part of a much larger conversation predicated on my values and expectations. my response? "yeah. i'm a bad-ass." flippantly made to bring a smile to my partner's face, to break the tension, to be a brat... it was the first thing i could think of saying. but since that night, i've spent an incredible amount of time alone, wondering if that's true.
i have changed drastically. the six months in argentina were both the most trying and the happiest times of my life. i tried to pinpoint what made me so incredibly happy while i was gone and i realized that a LOT of it had to do with how carefree i was there. i was picky about the friends i made, i didn't do anything just because it was expected of me, i indulged myself, i explored my interests and found out how much i love things like architecture, i became fluent in spanish, i danced like no one was looking. all. the. time. (even though, looking as i do, everyone was looking. all. the. time.) i focused on learning instead of the grades. i formed new relationships, cut off old, unhealthy ones, focused in on what i want to do with my life and left the country hoping against all hope that everything i learned while i was gone would travel back with me.
in a lot of ways, i was very concerned that when i came back, everything would be the same but i'd be completely different and would have no idea how to integrate myself. instead, i found that the world moved on. i didn't reinsert myself into the same mold i was in before. everyone had moved on and i needed to find ways to place myself back where i belonged.
well. where did i belong? where do i belong?
like i mentioned earlier, i've been spending a lot of time alone. watching stupid TV shows, listening to a lot of music, writing and trying to make sense of everything in my life. am i supposed to reinsert myself into the roles i occupied before i left? or do i form new roles? though seemingly silly, this question has been pervading my return for the last 9 weeks.
and while i try to figure out how to bring the new me into an old situation, i am also battling the parts of the old me that are still around. the parts i hate about myself. the parts that didn't surface while i was gone because they didn't have any triggers (i.e. real life). for example, i am an incredibly insecure person. i don't peg myself to be particularly jealous but little things act as triggers and instead of sharing how i feel, i internalize it. i try not to be overbearing. i constantly monitor my actions and censor the things that come out of my mouth to ensure the comfort of everyone around me. but inherent in all this insecurity is a burial and denial of myself. if i'm constantly censoring myself, i'm not really being me, am i? and is that really the person that you want to be around? my catch-phrase has been to pick and choose my battles.
i'm struggling with a lot of things, and a lot of people, right now. and i've come to realize that there is no way to deal with everything, solve every problem, make everyone happy. i spread myself too thin, i take on others' burdens far too often, and i lose myself. and that frustrates me more than anything because what i achieved in the six months abroad was just that - i found myself. well... i began to find myself.
but then i come home and my worst fear comes true. i slip into the heydey of being home and the conscious decision-making that helped me develop as a person while i was abroad goes out the window and i lost myself. all.over.again.
"i'm just watching you make the bed and you're so much stronger than you were when you left."
am i, really? i want so desperately to say yes. and in all the moments that those positive statuses were written, i felt stronger. i felt happier. i felt like... like maybe i was finally taking control of the direction my life was moving in. but i have also come to realize that much of my happiness is predicated on external factors rather than internally produced. which was the impetus for my latest status... it truly is the people in your life that make life worth living. being with your love, surrounding yourself with friends, taking time out of each day to be appreciative of those who impact you.
the thing that scares me most about this happiness, though, is the fact that it is predicated on others. so what happens when/if they're not around anymore? does the happiness just disappear? or is this the point where the strength i thought/hoped/he noticed i had saves me from the fall out? where the positive attitude stays around anyway, reminding me that whenever one door closes, four more open? that moments of darkness can always be banished by other factors of good?
answers would be real nice right about now..
