nostalgia.
tonight, two of my friends and i baked chocolate chip cookies. while the desserts here are to die for, sometimes you just need a piece of good ol` american food.
i was reminded so intensely of the last time i baked chocolate chip cookies - my last night in sd. it was, by far, one of the best nights i have had in the two years at that school. i spent the night with some of my favorite people in the world - my sisters, my boy, a few of my best friends - and leaving the next day was one of the hardest things i have ever had to do. i saw some of them again over the next three weeks before i left the country but i knew that night that everything was about to change.
i don't mean to sound dramatic but i'm being completely honest when i say that i knew things will, in fact, be dramatically different when i come back to sd in january. this coming thursday marks a month in argentina and in retrospect, it is so hard to believe i've already been here for so long. i've been having all these wonderful experiences, learning to be independent, to fend for myself, realizing that i'm capable of a lot more than i ever thought.
i'm seeing myself in a new light - the past two quarters at sd have been the hardest for me because aside from personal turmoil, i've been questioning what i want to do with my life, whether i want to go to med school right after graduation, whether i still even want to go to med school at all or whether my talents and abilities would be better used in another field like global health policy instead of active practice of medicine. i don't know that those are questions i'll find answers to here but the lethargy that plagued me the last two quarters is now virtually non-existent. finally, i'm just as determined as i've always been, determined to succeed, to learn, to make the most of my experience here.
in the same vein that i'm learning all these things about myself and growing as a person, though, i know everyone back home will be growing and changing over the next five months and i'll be too far away to notice the changes. it's not that i expect to be replaced because in the grand scheme of things, five months truly is not that long but to not grow together means to grow apart. that much, i know from experience. i feel like by the time i come back, some things will have changed drastically and i won't know how to fit myself back into a puzzle i've always naturally been a part of. the very idea terrifies me.
i also don't want it to sound like i regret the decision to come. i am so thankful to have this experience and it's something i would do a million times over should i be given the chance for do-overs. still, it's incredibly difficult to be so far away, so far removed, from everyone i love. daily or weekly conversations keep me informed of things going on at home but it's hard to be here when i know my loves are experiencing difficulties and are hurting and i can't offer any more comfort than mere words; its hard to hear of my friends getting together or seeing pictures of them and to not be with them myself; in some cases, it's even harder to talk super often than to not talk at all because it makes the desire to be close to that person so much stronger, makes how much i miss them that much worse.
i'm glad i'm here and i know the homesickness will pass. for now, though, i wish i could click my heels and come home.
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