so i know the next promised post was about the economy since i'm taking an econ class and i'm freaking in love but everytime i sit down to write about it, i just get angry and frustrated and disillusioned and feel incredibly helpless. actually, i feel that way a lot about anything i do that matters.
i've been looking for internships since i've gotten here because when i leave argentina and people ask me what i did in six months in a foreign country, i don't want to only be able to say i went out with friends. i can go out with friends any time back home - i wanted the things i do here to be meaningful, once-in-a-lifetime experience. but finally, finally, i realized that spending time with friends - especially the argentine ones - IS a once-in-a-lifetime experience. i touched on this a couple posts ago, i think, but i'm growing and changing and evolving such an incredible amount and when i look at the things i can attribute that change to, it's to the people who are in my life.
that being said, i know that if i do start internships/volunteer opportunities, i will be impacted just as much if not more. so after a beautiful trip to patagonia ...
(i digress for a bit because holy. shit. there are simply no words to describe patagonia. it is probably the most incredible place i've ever been to or will ever go to in my entire life. living in san diego, i have a certain attachment/dependence on the beach and patagonia was the first time i've seen the ocean in almost 4 months. i immediately felt at home. something about the wind in my ears, about the sound of the waves crashing gives me space to meditate. i isolated myself and just stood in the water (which was freeeeezing, by the way. took me until my entrance into the water to realize that its the same water that hugs the glaciers in antarctica. cold.) and meditated on my time here. three months from today, i come back to the states. and i used that time by myself in the most beautiful place in the world to reflect on what i've achieved since i've been here and what i want to achieve before i leave. so many thoughts rushed through my head in that week and my own happiness and contentment surprised me more than anything else. i haven't had true nightmares in so long and i know almost all of that is due to the fact that here, i've slowed down enough to allow myself to work through the things that have always bothered me at home, the things i've refused to deal with, the things my subconscious deals with through my nightmares. essentially, i'm healthier here than i have ever been at home. i've always had such a drive to do well, to succeed, to work to get to that end goal that i completely and totally forgot about the present. everything i have ever done have been steps towards the future but here, i've realized that the present is just as important, if not more than, as whatever i achieve in the future. and if i allow myself to truly experience every moment in the present, to absorb things and allow them to change me & to help me grow, i'm more likely to succeed in the future anyway because i'll be truly in tune with who i am, what i want and what will make me the most fulfilled. rereading that, it sounds like i've given myself permission to be lazy and maybe i have and that's probably not so good but knowing i'm in the healthiest mental place i've ever been in in my life makes it hard for me to want to change anything about the way i'm leading my life here.)
... i started a volunteer position at a children's home that my wonderful, wonderful angel of a assistant director of our program helped me find. all through high school, i worked with autistic children in a program called VIP soccer. essentially, we played soccer with autistic kids a couple months out of the year and it helped them develop in so many respects. the physical sport developed their motor coordination. the human interaction developed their social skills, their ability to express themselves since most autistic kids can't talk, and their ability to adapt to changing situations. the thing with autistic kids is that they're usually incredibly intelligent human beings. one mom at VIP soccer explained it to me like this - autistic kids have all their "motors" working but they lack the wires that allows them to express themselves. when we have a thought, we have ways of expressing it. we can show affection, we can write and talk and express emotions. we can control the ways we express ourselves. for them, when they can express themselves, they most certainly can't control the way that expression manifests itself. what we did through the medium of soccer was help them develop that control.
at this home, though, there are only two autistic kids. the rest of them have cerebral paralysis which essentially halts their growth at a certain point. i think my position at the home is going to evolve the more time i spend their but as a starting point, i essentially act as accompaniment to the kids. so saturday morning, i spent a couple hours just getting to know the kids in the home. just so you get an idea of what i'm dealing with, i'm going to introduce you to my kids.
bryan is one of the most developed kids in the place. he's 9 years old and suffers from cerebral paralysis. what does this mean? it means that getting his attention is incredibly difficult. it means he may want something (a stuffed toy dog, mostly or brightly colored balls) but he can't tell you he does. he can wave his hand to get your attention and then you have to sit there and guess what it is he wants. sometimes, he just wants you to hold his hand. he craves physical touch but can't do anything more than hold onto one of your fingers. you can place the ball directly in his hand but it may take him up to five minutes to grasp it because he lacks really any form of motor coordination. it means that he can't close his mouth to swallow so he drools and for those of you who have kids/have been around kids, you know that that much saliva does nothing but irritate the skin. it means that we strap him into a wheelchair so he doesn't fall out because he can't hold himself upright. i found out that he loves dancing. and if you let him grasp a finger on each of your hands and sway with him, he's the happiest. and to show that happiness, he screams. and screams. and shakes his head from side to side so you get scared that something is terribly wrong but really, you've just brightened up his day. and two minutes later, he's back to being a vegetable, blank eyes, drooling mouth and slack grip on your finger.
lily is 52 years old. she is one of two kids out of the thirty that can speak. she has the mental capacity of a 12 year old. she also loves dancing. she'll come and put her arms around your shoulder and sway with this incredibly peaceful look on her face. if you make stuffed animals give her kisses, she giggles. she tries to tell you she loves you but she can't always get all the words in the right order. she can walk and dance and we consider her lucky.
one girl, whose name i never got because i wasn't strong enough to actually approach her, can't do any of the above. they tilt her wheelchair back so her head doesn't slide off the headrest. she barely blinks. she never smiles. she doesn't show any recognition of there being any human presence around her. she's just.... there.
according to the workers at the home, bryan used to be like the third person i described. a few years later, he's developed the place he is now which no one, least of all his doctors, ever thought would be possible. they say human interaction really helps them. they say that we have to push them, hold the ball a little out of their reach, make them work for things. they say these things, these few hours we spend with them every week, will help them develop.
i hope i come to the same conclusion. because right now, all i feel is helpless. i wonder if they think constantly without any way to express themselves. i wonder if it drives them crazy. i wonder if they're sad. most of the kids are orphans but a few have been abandoned by their families. i wonder if they miss their moms. i wonder why i have everything i do, why they don't deserve the same. i wonder at the sheer power, courage, bravery of the people who dedicate every single day to these kids. i wonder if i'll ever do anything nearly as meaningful.
so after giving myself three months to heal, to become whole and happy and content with my life - its time to start pushing again. i'm hoping to keep up with this volunteer position at the home, i'm pushing a friend to let me come to the slums with him here in córdoba to get a sense of the places i think i want to work in in the future, my gender professor is looking for an internship with a women's ngo and hooopefully, i'll find something in a hospital too. i know it sounds like a ton but while i'm here, my experiences are a lot more important to me than my grades for once and i'm going to take advantage of everything i possibly can. after all, only 90 days to gooooo!
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